I wish I had a happy story to give you all. Words of comfort to uplift the soul. The truth is I feel the presence of Christ in my life. I know I am safe in the boat with him while the sea rages around us. I know I am safe and loved by The Father and even though we might be tossed by the turbulent sea, as long as I stay in the boat with Christ, I know I am safe. Meeting and talking with the girls at the office I feel as though I am looking upon someone drowning. I, in the boat with Christ, lean out as far as I can physically stretch, reaching out, trying to call them to the boat. My voice is lost in the wind and no matter how far I reach they are still yards away. They have to swim but as I watch I realize they don't know how. Most of them have never even seen it been done. Am I being too dramatic? Maybe, but this is honestly how I feel many times throughout the week. If I continue to think this way there is really only one logical way to get these people to the boat when:
A) They can't swim
B) I can't reach them
and that is through our Lord Jesus Christ! Many of you at this point may be saying, "Duh!", and if that is the case I can't really blame you. People have told me this before, I have told myself this before but it always seems to be a constant struggle for me to hold on to this knowledge because, to put it to you bluntly/honestly, I like to have clear knowledge and be in control of what's going on in my life. "Ha", many of you will say, "you just had yourself a hard awakening!". Yes, what is most difficult for me is that I "feel" utterly and completely helpless when it comes to helping these girls. I see such pain right in front of me and there is nothing I, Stephanie, can do about it. Faced with a 16 yr old girl who has a 3 month old baby at home and is 4 weeks pregnant all I can do is run to the cross and pray for the Holy Spirit to give me the words and then to have the faith that whether she has the abortion or not something I said really was prompted by the Holy Spirit and touched her in some way or will at sometime in her life. Girl after girl I am forced, through my human failures, to run to the cross and invoke the power of the Holy Spirit. I know I touched on this in my previous blog but it is something I continually need to remind myself.
Day after day being faced with these sad girls I start to feel as if the darkness of the world is overwhelming that there really isn't as much good here as there is bad. That is just ridiculous! It is at times like these that God allows me to experience Catholic Underground NY which reminds me that the church isn't just alive it is flourishing! Or on the subway on my home from work and I see someone get up and offer their seat to a pregnant lady or an elderly person. (This has happened 5 times!) One time an old man who was kind of hunched over and looked very unsteadying on his feet offered his seat to a lady before sitting down himself. It is little things like this that I thank and praise God for. Little reminders of goodness.
I don't know why I was so blessed by God to be born in to such a close, loving, Catholic family. Parents who support me. Siblings who cheer me on. A plethora of family and friends who rejoice in my joy and comfort me in my sorrows. I don't know why God allows others feel such abandonment. To struggle through such tremendous hardships seemingly alone. But they are never alone for God said
"And behold, I am with you always, until the end of the age." - Matthew 28:20
"I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you" John 15:18
Though I am sometimes overwhelmed by this present darkness I need to be reminded that Jesus Christ is the light of the world!
"Jesus spoke to them saying, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." - John 8:12
"Darkness is not dark for you, and night shines as the day. Darkness and light are but one." -Psalm 139:12