"HAD I KNOWN"

Not every girl that walks into our office shows remorse about getting pregnant when not yet married. While some may show it, they don´t admit it verbally; and i really don´t blame them. For those who are not remorseful, i strongly believe that they are a product of the society´s disrespect for the sanctity of sex and marriage. For those who may be but do not appear so, it may be a way of shielding their guilt wounded lives. For those who show it but don´t say it, it could be an issue of distrust or guilt. But for those who show it and say it, well, i really don´t know what to say; but here is a story about one of such.

She is a twenty year old from Ivory Coast whose parents were just able to work her immigration papers to the United States two years ago. Her parents are good christians, dedicated to God in their church choir and ushering group respectively. They came to the US some years back and left her in the trustworthy care of her grandmother who gave her sound moral and christian upbringing.

Upon arrival to the United states, her parents reiterated warnings against leading a carefree life and having boy friend in school. Because her parents had worked so hard to bring her to the states, she cherished their advice more and became active in church just to make sure she was far enough from temptation. But she got into college and that was it.

Because the college was quite a distance from the house, she had to live close to the school premises. She was tempted to have a boyfriend whom threatened to leave her because she was too religious and will not sleep with him. And the one time she attempted it, she got pregnant. Although the boy friend is not denying the responsibility of fathering the child, she is still in immense regret of her action. As she told me her story, she kept on repeating two words, shame and disappointment.

"My father will be so disappointed in me", " My mother will be so disappointed in me", "What will my mother´s friends say?", "I am so ashamed of myself", "How could i be so dump?", "Had i known!" These were some of the words she soliliquzied after telling me her story. The overwhelming feeling of regret and fear of how to tell her parents was so intense that i practically felt pain in my chest.

She will eventually break the news when she goes home on a visit this weekend and she knows that as she does that our prayers have long gone ahead of her.