Please Pray!

     I just finished my second week here at EMC.  It is still very tough but I am not quite as overwhelmed as I was last week.   Today I was at the office in The Bronx by myself. Four girls came in today.  The last girl to come in was beautiful and confident  and looked to be in her mid-twenties.  I squared my shoulders and tried to will myself to look older then I actually am.  After she filled out the form I took her in the back and I went over the form with her making sure everything was filled in correctly.   I asked her why she felt she had to have the abortion.  She replied that she isn't ready for a baby, she is in collage, "there's a lot going on."   As we waited for her pregnancy result I played our Choice Blue video of an actual abortion procedure.  I have never played that video 1st usually I start off with an animated non graphic one but I felt that CB was what I had to play at that time for this particular girl.  She started crying during the video as I explained the procedure to her as it went along.  She asked me how old the baby was and when I told her 10 weeks she was shocked.  I stopped the video and she looked at me and with tears streaming down her face she said "I have never wanted anything as much as I want this baby." She took a deep breath and continued " I have always wanted a baby and one time I prayed for a baby, which I now regret deeply, and I dream of him every night.  The man I love wants this baby. I want this baby. But my parents think it would be better that I be dead then dishonor come to their family. This scandal that would affect their place in the community.   Since I took the test at home I have even been praying for a miracle to fix everything but......" she laughed with embarrassment.  As I looked at her my heart ached for her this beautiful woman who was hurting so deeply.  What to say in the face of such profound pain? " I am so sorry. I am so sorry for your pain."  So few words.  So much lacking.  I sat there as she poured her heart out to me, a stranger.  How I wish I had the remedy to resolve her anguish.  I talked with her awhile gently speaking about the aftereffects the abortion will have on her.  The decision she will have to live with, not her parents.   This overwhelming point in your life will pass with time, abortion is a lasting decision.   "I think if it is ok I will wait a week to think before I make the decision.  Can I call you to let you know?" she asked me.  I gave her my cell number and told her to call anytime even if just to talk.  She hugged me tightly, this grieving girl whom I had never seen before the hour,  and thanked me for my time and for my caring.  "You are the only person to know besides my boy friend and myself," She said, "It was nice to talk to you.  If I find the courage I need to keep the baby I will let you know."

     It feels a little good to know I comforted her even though just a little during her dark time.  That God choose me to attempt to be the light of Christ to her.   Was I successful?  Only God knows.  There must be a reason he chose to bring her in to the office today and talk to me.  It is hard not to feel downcast thinking "I didn't do enough" but God knows exactly what I can and cannot give and I am sure, and must continually remind myself, that anything I said that had an effect for the best was the Holy Spirit speaking through me.  Thank you Lord for such an honor as to be your hands here on earth.

Please pray for this dear girl.  She is at a very critical stage and feeling the fear and stress of her situation, not to mention her hormones being all over the place, it is hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel.  In her mind she is on a two edged sword and the only question is which way to fall. Please, please pray!

"The Lord is close to the broken hearted, and saves those whose spirit is crushed." - Psalm 34:19

"But I trust in you, Lord; I say, "You are my God." My destiny is in your hands; rescue me from my enemies, from the hands of my pursuers." - Psalm 31:15-16

When Clients Start to Become Friends

Today was I had a wonderful experience in the Brooklyn office. After seeing three new clients in the late morning and early afternoon, two young girls who had come in last week returned. Nicole had come last week with her friend Becky; they are 16 and 15. At that point, Nicole was only 1 week late for her period and her test came out negative. However, both Linda and I talked to them about pre-marital sex and chastity. They both came back today because Nicole still hadn't gotten her period. Again, her test was negative, and I told her if she stops stressing about it, she will probably get her period soon.
After we did the test, the three of us just sat and talked for about an hour. This time, most of the conversation revolved around the issues that Becky is having with her ex-boyfriend. He keeps trying to get back together with her, and she doesn't want to because she knows he just wants sex, and she doesn't really want to do that any more, but she keeps talking with him and falling for his sweet nothings. By the end of the hour I had convinced her to block him from her Facebook news-feed (she said the only updates she saw yesterday were from him and that's why she can't stop thinking about him!) and Nicole is going to try to get her to block his number so that when he texts her, she won't be tempted to answer him.
They're going to come back and visit again soon.

I Am With You Always

          I wish I had a happy story to give you all.  Words of comfort to uplift the soul.  The truth is I feel the presence of Christ in my life.  I know I am safe in the boat with him while the sea rages around us.  I know I am safe and loved by The Father and even though we might be tossed by the turbulent sea, as long as I stay in the boat with Christ, I know I am safe.  Meeting and talking with the girls at the office I feel as though I am looking upon someone drowning.   I, in the boat with Christ, lean out as far as I can physically stretch, reaching out, trying to call them to the boat.  My voice is lost in the wind and no matter how far I reach they are still yards away.  They have to swim but as I watch I realize they don't know how.  Most of them have never even seen it been done.  Am I being too dramatic?  Maybe, but this is honestly how I feel many times throughout the week.  If I continue to think this way there is really only one logical way to get these people to the boat when:

 A) They can't swim

B) I can't reach them

and that is through our Lord Jesus Christ!  Many of you at this point may be saying, "Duh!", and if that is the case I can't really blame you.  People have told me this before, I have told myself this before but it always seems to be a constant struggle for me to hold on to this knowledge because, to put it to you bluntly/honestly,  I like to have clear knowledge and be in control of what's going on in my life.  "Ha",  many of you will say, "you just had yourself a hard awakening!".  Yes, what is most difficult for me is that I "feel" utterly and completely helpless when it comes to helping these girls.  I see such pain right in front of me and there is nothing I, Stephanie, can do about it.  Faced with a 16 yr old girl who has a 3 month old baby at home and is 4 weeks pregnant all I can do is run to the cross and pray for the Holy Spirit to give me the words and then to have the faith that whether she has the abortion or not something I said really was prompted by the Holy Spirit and touched her in some way or will at sometime in her life.  Girl after girl I am forced,  through my human failures, to run to the cross and invoke the power of the Holy Spirit.   I know I touched on this in my previous blog but it is something I continually need to remind myself. 

     Day after day being faced with these sad girls I start to feel as if the darkness of the world is overwhelming that there really isn't as much good here as there is bad. That is just ridiculous!  It is at times like these that God allows me to experience Catholic Underground NY which reminds me that the church isn't just alive it is flourishing! Or on the subway on my home from work and I see someone get up and offer their seat to a pregnant lady or an elderly person. (This has happened 5 times!) One time an old man who was kind of hunched over and looked very unsteadying on his feet offered his seat to a lady before sitting down himself.  It is little things like this that I thank and praise God for.  Little reminders of goodness. 

     I don't know why I was so blessed by God to be born in to such a close, loving, Catholic family.  Parents who support me. Siblings who cheer me on. A plethora of family and friends who rejoice in my joy and comfort me in my sorrows.  I don't know why God allows others feel such abandonment. To struggle through such tremendous hardships seemingly alone.  But they are never alone for God said

"And behold, I am with you always, until the end of the age." - Matthew 28:20

"I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you" John 15:18

Though I am sometimes overwhelmed by this present darkness I need to be reminded that Jesus Christ is the light of the world!

"Jesus spoke to them saying, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." - John 8:12

"Darkness is not dark for you, and night shines as the day. Darkness and light are but one." -Psalm 139:12

Unexpected

When I greeted Patty in the Brooklyn office on Wednesday and said "How are you today?", the last thing I expected her to say was "I can't complain." But that's exactly what she said, which is why I was again surprised when, 5 minutes later, tears were streaming uncontrollably down her face.
Patty is in her late 20s, has 3 children, and has had 2 abortions. Her ex-husband refuses to pay child support even though he has been ordered by the court, she is embattled in a lawsuit with her daughter's daycare, and the only kind of support she gets from the father of her youngest is financial. Her mother is pressuring her to have another abortion, and her best friend, the only emotional support she may have, doesn't even know she's pregnant. She has been "careful" when it comes to sex (careful by the secular definition at least). Patty is simply overwhelmed.
I asked Patty about her previous abortions. She said she had them because she was in situations where it seemed like that was her only option, but she has never gotten over them. She was only considering abortion again because the father of the baby (and her youngest child) is threatening to file for sole custody if she tries to keep it or give it up for adoption. If he won, she would still have to see the baby, since she already has another child with him. The baby would be constantly in her life, but completely not in her life at the same time. I assured her that that would not have to be the outcome.
So many words and so many tears later, Patty firmly came to the conclusion that abortion was not an option. At one point, while sniffling through her tears she said, "I can't support another one, but I can't just keep killing my babies." We don't know exactly how we are going to work through her problems and obstacles, but we'll figure it out together and she won't have to kill any more of her babies.

Be not afraid

     Well, my first week at E.M.C has come to a close. Phew *huge sigh of exhaustion.   This week I met and spoke with many girls who wanted an abortion.  They came from different places, different backgrounds, were different ages and had all come to this decision for different reasons.  But they all had one very forceful element in common, fear.   Most of them won't come right out and say they are afraid.  It is a very vulnerable place to be and to admit to it to someone else is neigh unthinkable especially when you try not to admit it to yourself.    While the reason given for aborting her baby, at first, might have been for financial reasons, as you talk, you realize she is Muslim and she is afraid to tell her family because a baby obviously means she has been having pre-marital sex.  Or the girl that comes in and tells you she has a 3yr old, 2yr old and 7month old at home, all from different men, and her pregnancy test just came up positive and she asks you how she can take care of another baby when she can't even take care of herself.  Or the girl who says her boyfriend told her to get rid of it.  Or the girls whose parents are so afraid of them growing up the hard way, that they themselves did, that they pressure their daughters to abort for an easier life, so that they can experience all that the collage life has to offer, so that their children can make a better life for themselves and get out of this "hell hole".  Condemning their daughter to a brokenness and pain that isn't easily remedied all the while believing it is the "easiest way out" of hardships.  Oh my dear sweet girl your hardships are just beginning.  I see it, you who are reading this see it, why can't they see it.  Why must fear be so blinding?  The Babies are by no means the only victims in this atrocity society calls abortion. For every baby killed and gone to be welcomed in the loving sweet arms of Jesus there is a living, breathing, grieving, broken and pained mother who is left, arms empty, unable to turn for comfort and help, still held captive by the original enemy, fear.   

     I gave multiple pregnancy tests this week.  I can't explain to you the relief I feel, after having just talked with a girl who is dead set on an abortion , to see only the one line and realize its negative and she isn't pregnant.  The sick feeling in my stomach when its positive and I know this dear new life will soon be extinguished.  It goes against every fiber in my being.  Being raised in a big catholic family that jumped up and down in excitement at the news of a baby.  I thought of this verse, Luke 23:28-29.    "Jesus turned to them and said, "Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me; weep instead for yourselves and for your children, for indeed, the days are coming when people will say 'Blessed are the barren, the wombs that never bore and breasts that never nursed."   Truly, we are living in this time of which he spoke.

     God knew that fear is our great enemy and that's why he warned us against it so many times. So we must "draw our strength from the Lord and from his mighty power put on the armor of God!" (Ephesians 6: 10-11)  We must have faith "for by grace you have been saved through faith" (Ephesians 2:8)  And to never forget to rejoice in all things.  "The joy of the Lord is my strength"  Just as Pollyanna said "If God took the trouble to tell us 800 times to be Glad and rejoice he must have wanted us to do it!" 

     "I believe I shall see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, take courage; be stouthearted, wait for the Lord."  (Psalm 27:13-14)

"I want to keep my baby, I just don't know how."

I was in the Brooklyn office on Monday and I was able to talk with a returning client. She had come in the week before (on a day that I was not there) and left undecided about keeping her baby, wanting to bring her boyfriend back to see the baby on the sonogram. While we waited for him to arrive, I was able to talk to her and learn a little more about her situation. She is so worried because she was just laid off last week, and she doesn't even know where is going to get rent money for this month, and thinking about putting a baby in that situation is heart wrenching for her. This was nothing really new, I'd heard this same concern from most of the women I've counseled. There was something else. I asked her, "So what makes you undecided?" She said, "I don't want to go through the pain of another abortion."
She then proceeded to tell me about the abortion she had just 6 months ago. Her family didn't know, and so she couldn't really tell them why she was hesitant to have an abortion now. She hasn't told her mother yet because she doesn't want to disappoint her. Finally, she said "I want to keep my baby, I just don't know how." She was one of the most open and honest young women I have ever had the pleasure of talking with. She told me she is worried she won't be a good mom, because she doesn't know the first thing about babies. I have no doubt she will be an amazing mother.

My grace is sufficient for you.

Hi!  My name is Stephanie. I am from California and this is my first week at E.M.C.  Where to begin?  I arrived in New York City on Saturday.  Maggie met me at the airport and we rode the bus back. It was interesting watching people out the windows.  Pedestrians here are crazy!!  Sunday morning I woke up and discovered our water heater had stopped working.....Cold showers are healthy for you anyway, right?   The Church I went to is only two blocks down which is so nice.  I can hear the bells ringing throughout the day which makes me happy. :)  I went downtown with Cristina later that day.  We went to Chelsea and looked around then we headed over to St. Patrick's on 5th Ave so she could go to mass.  While she was in church I walked down 5th ave to Central Park.  I didn't have much time but from what I saw it was beautiful! 

      Since then I have had two very full days at the Bronx office and I can already tell you that it is hard!  I wake up in time to go to the 7:30 mass down the street.  I get back in time to have breakfast and make lunch before heading out to the metro stop.  If I catch the express then it is a straight shot to the stop that is by the office. I unlock and turn on all the lights then say some prayers for guidance as I try to read some informative Pro-Life Counseling literature before any girls come in.  Cristina was with me yesterday and only three girls came in who needed counseling but I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed as she  showed me everything that needs to be done.  Today I opened by myself and due to circumstances was alone for, what felt like, forever.  Dear Lord help me.  It was hard and stressful to be the only one between a girl and an abortion especially as unequipped as I feel I am. Once Esther got there it got better.  I would basically sit in on the counseling  session while she handled it so I could observe and learn.   I had five girls one after the other from 9:30 till about 2 then it was quite.  Esther talked with me and answered any questions I had then she told me she was going across the street to get something.  Of course, no surprise here,  as soon as she left the door bell rang.  My stomach sank and I felt sick as I thought of having to counsel again by myself after no official training but that of the day.  I let her in and she told me she wanted a pregnancy test.  I gave her the form to fill out and my heart lifted as I saw her check the box that said if it was positive she would keep the baby. It did such good to my heart to see her excitement when she saw the positive test result.  My spirits lifted as she oohed and awed over the baby modals we have on the table showing the different trimesters.  She was so excited and awed when I told her that at 4 weeks pregnant her baby's heart is already  beating. 

     Yes, the day was hard.  I was overwhelmed and felt completely out of control but that seems to be the theme of my life, God, taking the feeling of control away so I have nothing left to do but run to Him. God, giving me opportunity after opportunity to be patient and to let go and let God.  But I have hope because I  know that through my weaknesses I am made strong! 

" Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me. Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:8-10